tylerface's space

2009-06-15T15:54:00.004-04:00

Hey y'all.

Sorry for being a tit, I just haven't had any time do write these! School had taken over my life, but has now relinquished its grasp! (Except on Tuesday when I return of credit completion).

This, (three weeks ago) weeks photoshoot, (I'm not going to bother recapping the episode, because I don't remember what in the hell happened.) the girls were at the AGO and they were balancing on ladders or some shit with naked guys. I don't know what it was supposed to mean, but they all looked like librarians falling off ladders. Yeah.

Anyway. Pictures. I will show you them.

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CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

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NIKITA:

La Femme is fierce as fuck. She can actually do no wrong in my eyes. Yeah, she complains like a bitch and never shuts up about her hair, (which I happen to like!) and hates on the other girls; but she swears like a sailor and has a very 'thick' Canadian accent. What's not to love? MARRY ME LA FEMME NIKITA!

HEATHER:

Heather is like, the poor man's Anya. Scratch that. Heather is more high end. Anya was adopted from Russia. Mail Order Child, much? Anytit, this picture is okay, but she kind of looks like a skeleton in a science-fiction movie after the skin has been seered off in an atomic explosion - but that's just the stupid lighting.

EBONIE:

Ugh! Get this downturned nose bitch off my screen! Okay, she's funny and she's a fellow French-Canadian, but this picture is not of God. Why she got called first is beyond me. Wait. Born in the Bahamas, you say? Get the fuck out!

TARA:

This picture is much better. Tara's the kind of girl that is not so good looking before make-up gets to her, but she's gorgeous in photos. Keep it up, chilwe!

LINSAY:
Hay! It's Linsay! Not looking at the camera. I just. I don't even know. Ouu! Black man! Canada's Next Top Model, you're so diverse!

MEAGHAN:
This ho is one of my favourites. (1. Nikita, 2. Meghan and 3. RebeccUGH.) But seriously, even though CNTM is pretty good with getting girls jobs, she does not need this competition.

MARYAM:

What the fuck was she thinking?

REBECCAH:

O HAY TWIGGY!

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ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:

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JILL:
See ya! Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya!

CNTM CYCLE 3: EPISODE ONE

2009-06-01T21:04:00.009-04:00

WELCOME BACK.

I fucking gave up on that fucking cycle of fucking ANTM 'cuz it was fucking boring and predictable as fuck.

NOW CANADA'S IS BACK!

I will admit, I missed half the episode because I had better things to do - such as wash my hands three times, do the hokey pokey and turn myself around and eat some McDicks. But when I did arrive home and after my sister reminded me it was on, I WAS TOTALLY WATCHING IT GUISE. I give props to Canadian television. Even the news. It's hard being cold all the time.

Well anyway, I'll just go straight to the photos because there isn't much drama on CNTM as everyone is so polite.

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CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

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MARYAM:

This five-head is from Iran, and in any other case I'd be like 'HO, THIS IS CANADA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. GET THE FUCK OUT." but this bitch is fierce; and the best thing about it is that she doesn't even know it. She's like, "Orly? Thx." Yes. Iranian people know txttlk.

HEATHER:

I love this chick. She's a dumb blonde chilwe from Halifax, but she takes an amazing photo. The bobcat also had one eye. Well, that's what they told us. I think it was just winking at Nigel Barker. Slut.

TARA:

She's one of the two skanks this cycle from Quebec. You didn't really see much of her this episode, except when she did the government required subliminal product placement. "We got an e-mail on our LG Laptop!" as she runs down from 'da turd floor'. Get it? She's French?

MEAGHAN:

This girl is bitchin' all the way from Winnipeg. She also has a fine pair of clear train tracks in her mouf. True glamour. I like her, but she's very quiet. Almost as if she is plotting to sabotage everyone while they sleep. Cut their hair off slowly, bake mega fattening cookies, put bleach in their shampoo - normal shit like that. Wait. That's not normal?

REBECCAH:

Rebeccah is one of those girls who is completely disgusting in real life, but takes a stellar photo. Ok. That was mean. She's pretty, but she looks like a strung out homeless hooker looking to make a quick buck. Trust. Still, I love this pic and her. Hooker or not. (I'm Canadian. I have to be accepting of everyone!)

NIKITA:
La Femme Nikita is looking all kinds of sensual in this photograph. I also noticed the overturned couch and remembered the focus of the shoot. Wild animals are meant to be wild, and 80's women are meant to be hot and cuddle with said wild animals. La Femme got it right.

EBONIE:
Her name is spelled weird, but she's ok. She's the other girl from Quebec, and had a moment with the new judge Mike Ruiz who is also from Repentigny or something like that. Then they were like "OMG GURL" back and forth. En Francais, of course. Other than that, this girl doesn't really do it for me. Look! Even the bobcat agrees! His eye is open. It's like witnessing a car accident. You can't help but watch.

LINSAY:

First off, why doesn't she have a 'D' in her name? Linsay. Ugh, it's like people that spell their names in other obnoxious ways. Like Kortnie or Gawd. (Yes, He's guilty of it, too.) Ehh, she doesn't really do much for me, but she's poppin' her hips like she wants to make a couple bux. Good on ya, Linsay. (Everytime I write her name I cringe.)

JILL:

PORN.

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ULTIMATE ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE NOT SO ULTIMATE LOSERS CUZ THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A CHANCE AT MODELLING POST SHOW:

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TIFFANY:
Bitch had a kid. That was her first mistake, and her second was this picture. Hey-oh!

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POOR CHILWE:

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ALEXANDRA:
She left AFTER the photoshoot cuz her hip hurt. No lie.

NEXT WEEK:
MAKEOVERS! This is why I love CNTM. It moves quicker, and they actually kick out the ones that deserve to be kicked out. If this was Tyra's Next Top Tyra, Tiffany would be given a second chance because she's black and it's hard for black models to make it in the business, and kick Meaghan out because she has no personality. But again with the car crashes and the inability to look away.

ANTM CYCLE 12

2009-03-06T14:56:00.011-05:00

Ready or not, it's cycle 12 y'all! Now, don't get your panties up in a bunch 'cuz I didn't give you the preshow pics and all that shit, because it was really 'shit'. Besides, I've been BUSY. (Get it? Ready or Not? Busy? Oh fuck it.) SO. Here's a lil' breakdown on what happened with the thirteen newest bitches set to join Tyra's army of mediocre models.

The thirteen girls move into the new house, but realize - OH SHIT! THERE ARE ONLY 12 BEDS! I bet the bitch who didn't get a bed was freaking the fuck out. Then they did a fashion show for some unpronounceable designer and then headed to Central Park to do their first photoshoot; which was about 'bringing well known childhood games to life'. Yeah, whatever.

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CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

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ALLISON:

double dutch

Ok, I loves me some Allison because bitch is crazy. She is also in love with and jealous of Tyra's nosebleeds as a child. So, naturally I would like her to go far, but this shit deffs ain't number one. Everyone and their dead granny knows that. Plus, she's jumping and the ropes are laying on the ground? Bitch please. (PS: Allison was/is also known as creepy-chan/cute-chan on 4chan. I'm not a newfag or anything, but the intarwebs teaches you things. I've yet to hear her mention it though. Perhaps it's embarrassing! Who knows?)

FO:

ring around the rosy

I know what you're thinking. "FO' REALZ?!" Well, yes. Fo. Fucking. Realz. Her name is Fo. She's cute, and this picture's cute - but I'm not too sure about her yet. Perhaps next week when she cries bloody murder during her makeover I'll love/hate her.

TEYONA:

hopscotch

This bitch here be fierce as hell, and this shot is just that. As of now, girl knows what she's doing. (Do you see the pregnant chick in the background?)

LONDON:

tug of war

London is my favourite. She may be a street preaching Christian, but so far she hasn't shoved the Lord down my throat yet. I enjoy that, and I also enjoy this picture. Why she didn't have the first call out, I don't know. But I'm mad as hell and I'm ready to fight!

CELIA:

hula hoop

Celia is also another one of my favourites. She's ugly, but in a pretty way. I like this picture, but I believe she still thinks she's in Vegas. Too showgirl for me, but nice nonetheless. Meh.

NIJAH:

musical chairs

Next!

KORTNIE:

monkey bars

What is it with perfectly normal girls spelling their perfectly normal names in completely fucked up ways? It's beyond me! Regardless, this is pretty shitty. I want to like her, but she hasn't pulled me onto her 'THEEME' yet. (I hope you understood what I did there. If not, move along.)

NATALIE:

leap frog

Who? I'm sorry I've actually completely forgotten about her. She's too serious to be a little girl. It's like watching Dakota Fanning having 'fun' by creating spread sheets and pie charts.

AMINAT:

london bridge

Her name is a-MEEN-a. Just to clarify. Feel free to read it as a-me-NAT if you wish. That being said, there is only one way to say 'shit', and that's the only word to describe this photo.

TAHLIA:

tag

Poor girl got burns when she was 8 months old. Sad, really. Wait. What emotion did I just feel? Sadness? Pity? Of course! That's the only way she got onto ANTM in the first place! Oh Tyra. Always the jokester.

JESSICA:

jacks

Get the fuck out. She probably thought this was actually a modeling competition and was like "How can I play jacks like a model?" Also, she's Puerto Rican. That's pretty much the only way she describes herself - other than 'beautiful'. Ugh, she's like every personality flaw ever conceived and thrown into one commonwealth bitch.

SANDRA:

hide and go seek

She's African. She's a bitch. Are we seeing a pattern here? Fatima and now Sandra? You'd think being from a poverty stricken country in Africa that going to America would humble her. Why do that when she can fit in and be a cunt!

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ULTIMATE-ULTIMATE LOSER:

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ISABELLA:

dodgeball

Poor Izzy. The first one to get the boot. Oh well. I hear H&M is hiring.

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NEXT WEEK:

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MAKEOVERS.

ANTM: THE WINNER

2008-12-23T02:14:00.019-05:00

McKEY!

I AM ALIVE.

Though, I might as well be dead with all the hate mail I got about not writing the last like, four recaps. Seriously, if you're that into ANTM watch it yourself with a picture of me beside your television sets and imagine my witty remarks about a contestants' teeth, eyes, brain, hair, ability, stupidity etc. You don't need me! Spread your wings and fly! My children! Release your inhibitions and feel the train (typo but it stays) on your skin!

That being said, this cycle's top ho was McKey. You know, when Ty-Ty announced her triumphant, out of the blue win (yeah right), I was so infuriated! I ripped out my weave and shanked myself in the tit so many times. First off, Analeigh comes third?! Who would marshall the peace?! Then Samantha. God, I liked her in the beginning, but I hated her toward the end. Then I kinda liked her again. WHEN SHE LOST. I was rooting for Marjorie, but girl was eliminated for a shot that I thought was so TRUE. Ugh, so.

So, grab a hankie, put on the theme to Dawson's Creek, and reminisce about our beloved hoes of America's Next Top Model: Cycle 11:

WINNER:

McKEY

RUNNER UP:

SAMANTHA

THIRD:

ANALEIGH

FOURTH:

MARJORIE

FIFTH:

ELINA

SIXTH:

SHEENA

SEVENTH:

JOSLYN

EIGHTH:

LAUREN BRIE

NINTH:

CLARK

TENTH:

ISIS

ELEVENTH:

HANNAH

TWELFTH:

BRITTANY

THIRTEENTH:

NIKEYSHA

FOURTEENTH:

SHARAUN

R.I.P MA CHILWES.

Until cycle 12, I'm tylerface. Signing off... WAIT! Who the fuck am I kidding? Cycle 3 of Canada's Next Top Model starts in the summer. Oh sweet baby Jesus. My body is already tingling at the thought.

TTYL, GUISE!

ANTM: THE UNREMARKABLE RACE

2008-11-06T17:28:00.008-05:00

Woohoo! A week late! What? You're upset with me? Well, I don't give a fucking shit!

The girls arrive in the pot, I mean fashion capital of the world, Amsterdam. Well, fashion capital of the Netherlands, anyway. Seriously. Amsterdam? Why not travel here to Canada and pose with snow and gays? Seriously! Anyway, the host of Holland's Next Top Model, (I tried to watch it, but there aren't any subtitles. It's amazing how being total lackluster bitches transcends language boundaries...) greets the girls and tells them they have to get to their new house AMAZING RACE style, and that the winners (they were in pairs) would get to share 50 extra frames in their next photo shoot. After a drawn out, low budget version of the Amazing Race, Elina and Samantha make it back first. Holiday! Celebrate!

Then the hos went to the Red Light district to, well - be hookers! They had to sell the garments in shop windows. Elina and Analeigh get caught in the dangly confetti shit, while Marjorie friggen rocks the paint off the walls. Sheena basically looks like she's selling sex rather than the garment. (SO! In short - she won the challenge of gaining the attention of men in the district rather than the women to buy the clothes.) Regardless of Marjorie's amazingness, she was teamed with Sheena - who sucked, which resulted in McKey and Sam winning the challenge. Whatever.

For their shoot, they were dressed as pirate wenches! Amsterdam is so weird. All we see from the outside world is drugs and whores. Sounds like fun! McKey, Analeigh and Marjorie all do well, but Sheena again takes the whoring too seriously, and straddles the pole with the sail. (I'm not into boats, okay?) Elina is, yep - you guessed it! Too controlled.

LET'S BREAK THESE WHORES DOWN!

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CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

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McKEY:

I don't know why the judges lost their shit over this shot. I mean, its good and everything - but her legs look way too long for her body. She also has a habit of bending backwards in shots? Kinda like someone punched her and she's like "OMFG!" Look!

ANALEIGH:

Anal-y has got somethin' goin' on. The judges lost their shit over this, too - but I don't really see it either. Her vagina is almost staring me in the face, and her face looks gorilla like. Whatever! That's Anal for yah!

MARJORIE:

I fucking love Marjorie. I think my fierce fucks are going towards her from now on.

SAMANTHA:

She always looks sad in photographs! Snap out of it, girl! You've got this!

ELINA:

Fuck. (Not of the Fierce variety.)

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ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:

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SHEENA:

I just found out you can make the text smaller on your screen if you press CTRL and use the scrolly thing on your mouse. Awesome! Oh yeah! Sheena. It's sad she's gone, cuz this pic was actually not too bad. Besides, she was hilarious. Well, I guess the house is cured of yellow fever. Goodbye racial diversity!

See above for next episode! Coming soon to a computer screen near you!

ANTM: INVISIBLE HOOKERS

2008-10-30T15:44:00.008-04:00

Shut up I've been busy. I should be doing an essay instead of this shit, but I can't deny my people the juice that is top model. Enjoy!

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The episode starts off with two fat black twins explaining to the girls how to work a garment on the runway. Joslyn is like, "Gurl I know I can do this. Is ma destiny...'s chilwe." and she shows off the versatility of a purse. Which, I didn't know was possible - but it is fashion, after all. Marjorie has this dress skirt thing around herself, and she's like "Look! It can be taken off- oh wait.. hold on. Ugh. It's stuck." The fatties weren't having that shit. Anyway, Joslyn won that shit.

Next, they use what they'd been taught earlier... okay, so they didn't - but regardless they had a challenge. They wore a green jumpsuit so that way they'd be invisible on a screen, while wearing a dress. Marjorie's top falls down, and it shows her monster green titties. Joslyn puts on a stripshow, and Elina rocks it. Fuck. So, she wins the challenge and everyone is unhappy because Elina is from the Ukraine (which for some reason the other girls still believe it's before 1991 and call it Russia, which is still incorrect as it was the USSR) and they all hate Elina. Warrented, yes - because Elina is quite the little bitch - but she's allowed to be. She's fucking gorgeous. Her prize for winning was a holiday themed photoshoot with two 'friends' (quotes because we all know she doesn't have any). When they return, Sheena tries to infect Elina with the yellow fever by fighting with her over they fact that it was 'hypocritical' of Elina to win a holiday shoot when she's an atheist. I don't see the problem. She's not bias! Holiday could mean Christmas, Hanukah or Kwanzaa! Who knows.

Then the girls meet with Shitney (winner of cycle 10 if you happen to be cuntfucked, or just don't give a shit, or just don't remember Whitelle - but seriously. As soon as I saw a thick blonde sitting in a lounger, my mind clicked - and it just had to be the Wittles.) and GAY Manuel (....no?) told the girls they'd be recording a commercial for Covergirl! YAY! They all shit a little, until Wheaties (okay, get over it) told them, rather than having to memorize their lines, they'd be reading from a teleprompter! Sounds easy, yeah? Well apparently not. Something about sounding like a robot? I love commercial time. There are so many train wrecks it feels like I'm in China. OH!

But DRAMA! Joslyn is throwin' up, y'all! Well sit back, and enjoy.

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CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

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ANALEIGH:

You can't see it in this clip, but she snaps her makeup shut as if to say: "It's mine bitch! Getcho own!" Needless to say, she clearly did the best job. I love Topanga!

SHEENA:

Girl was so ghetto it was, refreshing! It was nice to see a lil' "HAYGURHAY!" in a Covergirl commercial without it being a complete pile of dog shit. I loves me some Sheena! But only when she's being funny and not hatin' on Elina. STFU!

SAMANTHA:

Sam was good and all, but she's just so annoying now. She's so whiny! Like, I wanted her to go this week - but I never get what I want in life. (PO CHILWE!)

MARJORIE:

MARGE IS A SPAZ! SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP! IF THIS SHIT WAS 3-D, IT WOULD DESERVE TO PLAY AT IMAX THEATRES! Regardless, Marjorie is still the shit.

McKEY:

She sucks. And every time she speaks, she reminds me of Jean Chrétien. It's really annoying. Plus, when she smiles - I think she's going to chomp me up. HER MOUTH IS FUCKING HUGE. I don't understand her allure. She's petty and annoying and I just want to feed her a moose and send her home to box with her boyfriend. Maybe getting kicked out would help with her exercise regime. She'd beat pillows more often.

ELINA:

Girl is too controlled and robotic in this shit. I mean, she looks gorgeous, but that ain't shit if you ain't got the POWAH!

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ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:

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JOSLYN:

Gurl had it coming. She was throwin' up, and she was as fake as Sheena's tits! So long, Jossie! See you in Lucky, Louisiana!

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NEXT WEEK:

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SEE ABOVE!

ANTM: WHAT THE FUCK, SHUT THE FUCK - WHAT IS THAT?!

2008-10-09T17:54:00.009-04:00

The girls a driven in that shitty black bus to a location where Tyra awaits their arrival, I'm sure. Tyra talks about herself, but then again - when doesn't she? She explains that every model needs a signature pose! Tyra's signature pose, she explains, is with her eyes. Yes. She poses, speaks and smiles - all with her eyes. Does she have any time to see that she's acting like a retard?! Obviously not. So, Lauren Brie pisses Tyra off by being a complete lackluster piece of caca, and Marjorie impresses Tyra so much with her fashionable hunchback of Notre Dame, that she wins the challenge and JEWELZ. She picks Topanga to come along to study, I mean pick out jewelry. Together they spend $12,000. Impressive! I spent $11.70 today, and I feel poor - but that pasta salad, and those cheese buns were worth every damn penny!

Back at the house, Elina's like: "Analeigh; I think you're a beautiful girl, but I just don't think you look like a model." Fuck. (ELINA FIERCE FUCK MOMENT!) If I didn't totally have the hots for Elina, I'd think she was a total cunt - but she's just so fucking feirce. Fuck!

For the photoshoot, Tyra completely milks that 'once in a blue moon' Tyra Show special 'The Fiercee Awards', with shit results. The girls are supposed to depict 'candid' moments at the awards show. Try to enjoy!

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CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

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MARJORIE:

pissing while in a gown

Marge is the shit, rather the piss when it comes to this picture. She is amazing, and will probably win. I don't know why it looks like she's wearing a turban though. Oh well! Tyra's fucked. We know that already!

TOPANGA:

bitchy interviewer

I saw my old writer's craft teacher today, and I realized she looks exactly like this everyday. She wasn't a cunt, but she looked like this. Oh, and snaps for Topanga because she did well again this week! Keep it up and you'll actually please Mr. Feeny!

McKEY:

bitch who thinks she's gonna win, but doesn't

I don't really think she's portraying this properly. Her picture is more 'bitch who will fucking cut you if even try to get with her man'. Words in her head could possibly include; 'Just try to fuck with me.' or perhaps some Latin tongue. Who knows!

SAMANTHA:

dumbass who can't read the cue cards because the light is blinding her

Also known as crap. Samantha, step it up or you'll become blind after I hit your face with a brick.

ELINA:

manic depressive fiercee award winner

Elina cried real tears, and was finding her true self! But this picture sucks. No fucks from me this week!

JOSLYN:

bitch who got the same dress from JC Penny

This looks like the cover of a romance novel. Joslyn's man has left her, and gone for Lauren Brie. Apparently, once you go black - you can go back.

SHEENA:

bitch with the obnoxiously long train that gets stepped on by some cunt with no depth perception

Sheena's Asian. (As if you courden't arready terr.) So her eyes are very slanted. This is sounding so horrible, but if your Asian - and you look far to the left, your eyes become completely white and you look possessed. Sheena, in the words of Tyra herself:

"LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS!"

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ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:

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LAUREN BRIE:

the bitch with no depth perception

Hey! Anyone notice Elina and Marjorie sitting in the background? :)

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NEXT WEEK:

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It's the recap episode; so I won't be recapping it! Unless it's spectacularly horrible, in which case I will cry and recap. There will be tears on my computer screen. Yes. I write upside-down.

ANTM: I HAVE NO TIME MANAGEMENT!

2008-10-09T17:14:00.009-04:00

I've been swamped with school, so here we go with the October 1st recap of ANTUHMUH!

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The girls meet Paulina Porizkova in her natural habitat, otherwise known as an abandoned warehouse, and are put to the test when they are told to make oversized clothes fit! So, Paulina cooked some friend chicken and Paula Deen came over to top it all of with a few bricks of butter. I lie. They pinned their clothes together. Lame. Marjorie gets made fun of by Paulina and begins to break down! Marjorie tries to explain that in her native France, to be negative is normal. Paulina, obviously understanding of Marjorie's insecurities by being a Czechoslovakian born Swedish-American, comforted the bitch. All was well in the jungle. Oh yeah, McKey wins.

NEXT!

The photoshoot consists of portraying natural disasters that reek havoc on Los Angeles! Just wait until you see this mess.

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CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

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SAMANTHA:

tidal wave

That wave is not fake! She made that shit herself by flailing about like a retard who forgot their medication. I agree with it being the best of the bunch. Bitch has it going on and she knows it.

TOPANGA:

Santa Ana winds

Whore! I like this picture and all, and I like Topanganaleigh, but I don't know. A blow-dryer in the shoot? She'll fry her hair! Sweet Jesus! Think of the weaves!

McKEY:

heat wave

So many waves. If it didn't say heat wave, I'd totally believe it as a murder scene, or perhaps a drug induced suicide. You know what I'm talking about. The starlet can't handle her life, so she feels the only way to escape is to slip into a yellow dress and jump off a balcony onto a very small scale city, while remembering to land sexily. I've seen it all too often.

ELINA:

earthquake

Elina is the love of my life. Fierce fuck! (I've just realized that's way too close to 'fist fuck'; but it stays anyway.)

MARJORIE:

traffic jam

She looks like Godzilla wreaking havoc upon unsuspecting mothers driving to school with their chilwes! Marjorie, how could you!?

LAUREN BRIE:

snowstorm

I'm totally over her. She has no personality. She's all like: "I'm crazy and wild and stuff. I have a personality, really! I do!" Well, did you forget to pack it in your suitcase before you came to this competition? 'Cause I've yet to see it.

ALSO: When do they have snowstorms in Los Angeles?! Is this the The Day After Tomorrow?!

SHEENA:

sandstorm

Oh yeah! Asian! In the sand! Mhmm! That's all this says. Other than a tonne of words synonymous with the word 'shit'.

JOSLYN:

rockslide

I'm not even gonna say it.

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ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:

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CLARK:

blackout

Clark was like a dump on your chest at a wedding. She was annoying, looked like a man, and ridiculed the girl who was actually previously a man. That being said, she shouldn't have went home! I think this picture is so good! If not, it's miles better than Joslyn's. Oh well. Goodbye, tucker!

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NEXT WEEK:

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See above!

ANTM: CW SUCKS

2008-10-02T17:11:00.003-04:00

I WILL UPDATE LATER!

The CW sucks and eliminated Sheena's portfolio completely, and haven't uploaded this weeks pictures!

I WILL

KILL BILL

ANTM: FIERCE FRIES

2008-09-25T15:49:00.007-04:00

The episode starts off with the girls crying about how Brittany was eliminated.

YEAH RIGHT.

They don't exactly party, but they're just fucking glad it ain't their pasty or chocolaty asses that were booted out.

The bitches get a runway lesson from Miss J! Isis slips! Hannah looks as if she should be in Nazi Germany! Samantha is horrible! Then there was Joslyn. She walked down the runway, which for the lesson was a bowling alley, and held her hands in the air as if she was praisin' or singing Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel. Needless to say, she didn't do that the next day during their challenge; which was an actual runway show - in front of actual people! As if that wasn't scary enough, Jay Manuel comes out and says: "Oh yeah, btw - the one who sucks the most is going home right after this." So, ERRRRRRRBODY freaks the fuck out. So, they walk the runway (blindfolded) to see who comes out on top; and the winner of the challenge is Joslyn! I was happy. And it gets even better:

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ULTIMATE ULTIMATE LOSER:

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HANNAH:

Even during her exit speech; she made sure we remembered she was from Alaska.

We do. Trust.

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So! The next morning Jay Manuel is wearing some lifeguard shit and wakes up the hoodrats, and tells them that their photoshoot will take place in their own pool! (The budget seems to be plummeting with the economy. You know, I bet the president personally sponsors this show - and it's all Tyra Banks' fault that we're paying so much for gasoline. Think about it!) The catch is, that they are only allowed to be photographed from their eyes up.

SMILE WITCHO FUCKIN' EYES!

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CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

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CLARK:

I just about threw my Ice Cap at the screen this morning when Tyrant called her first. I couldn't believe it! I mean, it's good and all - but the other two after it were so much better! Plus, it's Clark for Christ's sake! She looks manlier than Isis!

TOPANGA:

Girl has it goin' on this week! She's workin' those legs as if to say: "Hey boys - meet this world!" Bitch has got this one wrapped around her finger.

LAUREN BRIE:

Why is this so amazing. Like, this bitch is going to win. Alas: with the Top Model tradition, that has stayed true to almost all ten cycles so far, the first person shown in the opening credits is the runner up. For cycle 11 - it's the poor man's CariDee: Lil' Miss Lauren Brie.

SHEENA:

Okay - I went to the CW website to find the photos for this weeks critique, but Sheena's whole portfolio was gone! It's like she never existed. Goodbye racial diversity! But you have to say, my MS paint skills are pretty stellar. I even added the weird make-up!

McKEY:

Ehhh, Mickey ain't doing it for me this week. Sorry, girl!

MARJORIE:

As much as I like Paulina Porizkova; she can be a total bitch! She said Marjorie looked like a Headless Horseman. Sure, she's a little contorted, but come on Paulina. You're not that great of a model either - you're a judge on Top Model for cry-eye.

JOSLYN:

Cornflakes.

ELINA:

Unfortunately; Elina garnered no 'fierce-fuck's from me this week. Except her runway walk was pretty good; so: Fuck.

SAMANTHA:

Guuuuuuurl. Your photo was good enough to save you this week! Step it up or I'll slap your Californian face. Trust.

---

ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:

---

ISIS:

Oh, gurl. I knew this day would come. It's just too soon! Well, actually - just at the right time if you ask me. I mean, Tyra is bringing out the crazy this cycle. Once Tyra got to the "Smile with your labia..." photo shoot - Isis would be fucked. So long chilwe!

---

CUNT OF THE WEEK:

---

HANNAH

---

NEXT WEEK:

---

The forces of Nature! It looks exciting! Actually, I'm being 100% honest - the photo shoots this cycle are good so far.

I'M TELLING YOU. TYRA IS THE DOWNFALL OF THE WORLD ECONOMY.

ANTM: UHN YA GIMME WHAT I NEED!

2008-09-18T20:07:00.016-04:00

Heaven must be missing an angel this week, 'cause it's makeover time!

---

The episode stars off with Tyra coming into the girls' house with pizza and crowns. The girls put on the crowns, and Tyra eats the pizza. Next, she says that they're getting makeovers - but Ms. J comes in as an evil witch with an apple and poisons Tyra before she can reveal the girls' makeover plans! But Jay Manuel comes in and saves Tyra with true loves gay kiss and he whisks her away, and to my surprise, without a forklift.

After makeovers, Brittany was talking about how she loved her mother and how she missed her. Then Carrot Top, I mean Elina came in and was like: "I hate my mother." Then, somehow, Brittany ended up coming to the conclusion that Elina was a 'psycho' and that she's using her mother. Elina wasn't having that shit and promptly left. Fuck. (Every Elina 'fierce' moment garners one 'fuck' from me from now on.)

Then they have a swimsuit shoot! Enjoy the results if you can.

---

CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

---

ELINA:

Her makeover makes her look like carrot top, but it works chilwe! Elina is fucking fierce as I already said. There are no words. Fuck.

LAUREN BRIE:

Why is she so fucking amazing? She looks like shit in person, but comes across so amazing in pictures. My bets are on photoshop, but hey! Who knows?

SAMANTHA:

Sam always looks so sad in her pictures. Like she's just about to take SL's best friend and slice her wrists open. Yet in person, she's so upbeat its unbelievable. I still love her, and her makeover is gorge, baby!

McKEY:

I hate her makeover in everything else but this picture. Here it looks good. Otherwise it's fugsville. Her picture is good, though. I'm thinking Isis has bigger breasts than her, though.

SHEENA:

Tila Tequila? Is that you? Even though she looks like the epicenter of HIV herself, Sheena is pretty. I don't think she'll win based on her photos, but Tyra might just be fucking with us again. (Whitney, anyone?)

JOSLYN:

HAY GURL HAY! Her face is good, but she looks so hoodrat from the neck down.

MARJORIE:

This picture is amazing! With this hair she reminds me of Franka Potente circa The Bourne Identity! I love me some Marjorie.

CLARK:

This picture reminds me of the beach shot Demelza gave in Australia's Next Top Model. I'd find you the photo, but I'm too lazy. Besides, it looks exactly the same - so what's the point?

ISIS:

I don't see a peen, so she managed! She does have a lazy eye, though. Oh well, she's going to continue getting through on her sob story - don't you worry your pretty lil' heads.

HANNAH:

I still don't like her too much, yet I love her photos every week? Hannah! What the fuck? Start sucking so I can hate you with a reason! (As if a racist bigot wasn't enough of a reason.)

ANALEIGH:

Topanga scaling a rock. I'll pass this week, thanks.

---

ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:

---

BRITTANY:

FINALLY!

---

CUNT OF THE WEEK:

---

BRITTANY

---

NEXT WEEK:

---

Two bitches go home! Watch the drama unfold!

ANTM: FLY AWAY, CHILWES!

2008-09-18T20:07:00.012-04:00

I'm so sorry this is a week late, y'all! I've been hella busy with school and like, you know - having a life. So! Without further excuses, here is the recap of the September 10th episode of ANTUHMUH.

---

The episode starts off with the bitches meeting the world record holder for the most AIDS a person can have, Benny Ninja. (I'm not as distasteful as I seem.) He, and some Australian model showed the girls how to pose inside fabric tubes. Sheena wins, because she's the only one who has an imagination at this point.

The next day, they meet with a pink haired bitch named Tarina Tarantino who apparently designs handbags and jewelry. The girls all end up posing stupidly, including Sheena putting a purse in front of her cooch. How tasteful! Elina wins for being the only one who took that shit seriously.

Back at the house, Isis needs to take her needles so she doesn't wake up with a boner. Jokes! She needs it so she can have breasts and other things womanly. Analeigh (or Topanga) agrees to comfort Isis while she injects herself with the lady serum. She pretends to be a monkey. A bond is made. Meanwhile, (or afterward unless Isis and Analeigh have time warp twins) Clark is dared to kiss Elina in the hot tub, Drawn Together style! Horny advantages. Joslyn, (who is totally amazing and not boring like I previously thought) dares Isis (or her time warp twin) to give Hannah a lap dance. Hannah does not approve, and pushes Isis!

AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL IS OVER.

Hannah is the new hate of the house. Why? She was being prejudice towards Isis! Which can be perceived in two ways. Either Hannah didn't want Isis near her because she's black, or because she has a penis. EITHER WAY, the other girls weren't havin' that and called a house meeting. It resulted in Hannah crying and claiming that their actions could be perceived as 'gang rape' because they attacked her. Is it gang rape because they're black?

RACIST!

Well, the photoshoot consisted of the chilwes hanging from a rope ladder. Watch the stupidity unfold!

---

CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

---

LAUREN BRIE:

I don't know why they called her first! Tyra said it is '...top five in Top Model history!' I say it's fucked. Her arm looks dislocated. GANG RAPE.

ELINA:

Angelina Jolie would be proud. Elina is fucking fierce as hell and has no fucking remorse whatsoever. This shit is brill and she fucking knows it. Fuck.

JOSLYN:

Joslyn looks like a broken down, unemployed black girl in person (what a surprise, she is!) but in photos, she's brilliant. I wish I could chill with her for like, an hour or so. Why an hour? 'Cuz I bet that is how long I could handle her.

MARJORIE:

C'est magnifique! Marjorie is a complete schizo in person, and doesn't realize how good she is. She is going to Europe. No doubt.

McKEY:

Paulina was right. She looks like the love-child of Poison Ivy and the Joker - and you know what? It's amazing! I love McKey, just 'cuz she's retarded in that confident way.

SAMANTHA:

I love this girl to death. She and Marjorie are my favourites. The only thing I don't like about this photo is that she looks about the size of Whitney from cycle 10. DO NOT WANT.

SHEENA:

Sheena is my girl. This picture ain't all that good, but what is good is Sheena's soul. At panel, Tyra was like 'Are your breasts real?' and Sheenie was like 'Yeah!'. Even though I love her, bitch wasn't fooling anybody. After judging Sheena stepped forward and was like 'I forgot I actually do have implants!' Tyra said her honesty was beautiful. I say Ty-Ty's jealous.

HANNAH:

I whisper to the wind: 'gang rape'. No but seriously, for some fucked up reason I actually like this photo; and even though Hannah is a prejudice, racist cry baby - I totally want to visit her in Fairbanks this winter.

CLARK:

Clarky totally wasn't a cunt this week. She made out with Elina. Hello? Lucky. This picture isn't too bad, either.

BRITTANY:

DO NOT WANT.

ANALEIGH:

I think the judges hate Analeigh. Seriously! She takes a mediocre photo and gets called after Brittany, whom as you have just read - I do not want. C'mon Topanga! Fight it out! You can do this!

ISIS:

She looks so dead and looks as if she's going to fall. Usually, you fall and then look dead. Get it right, Icy. (YOU THINK YOU ICY?!)

---

ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:

---

NIKEYSHA:

Thank Jesus (Tyra)! Lil' Nike here was so Goddamn annoying. They actually played her goodbye speech through the credits 'cuz she just never shut up. Ugh. Sit the fuck down.

---

CUNT OF THE WEEK:

---

Hannah

---

NEXT WEEK:

---

MAKEOVERS!

ANTM: CUNTY FRESHNESS

2008-09-05T16:19:00.007-04:00

C'est la premier emission de America's Next Top Model!

What a crapfest.

Alpha J? Beta J? Tyra-bot?! I just... no.

To make some sort of a post, I'm going to take my initial opinions of the hos, and compare it to what I think about them after the first episode, and see if I was correct in my assumptions, as well as critiquing, y'all! This week's photo shoot theme was 'different reasons to vote' or some shit. Just watch. It's painful, so beware!

---

CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

---

MARJORIE:

immigration

Bitch has it going on. That being said, she needs to chill the fuck out. She won't stop being nervous, and shaking, and laughing and her voice sounds so shaky when she speaks and I just want to slap it out of her! Other than that, she's the sweetest one so far. Just 'cuz she's genuine - and French. It also fits because Marjorie is actually an immigrant from France; but sticking the girls with the stories into their respective themes is common this episode. Watch. I'll explain.

ISIS:

privacy

I don't care if she doesn't have a vag. I don't care if she doesn't have breasts. I don't care if she's got the Grand Canyon between her two front teeth. Why? Because what she does have is integrity, compassion and a whole titload of bravery for doing what she's doing. Oh - and 'cuz she's fierce as hell. ALSO: Anyone else wondering why her voting topic is privacy, when her situation is anything but?

McKEY:

environment

"Don't fuck with my trees, McCain! I'll go Rocky on your wrinkly ass!"

I seriously don't get the fuck out of this. Seriously.

JOSLYN:

unemployment

Joslyn actually said she's glad she got that topic assigned to her because she's actually unemployed. Hmm. I was unemployed up until recently, yet I never found the time to make messes around voting booths or pose like that. I would have liked to, but it just wasn't plausible. Regardless, Jossie doesn't look as broken down as I thought she would. She looks pretty. She also talks like a black girl who just inhaled helium. HAY!

ELINA:

foreign policy

Obviously they put the Ukrainian in this position. I don't see her flag there either. Again with the way they've placed the girl in where she 'belongs'. Ugh. ALSO: Elina is a free sexual spirit, and is an animal liberationist or something? She's not Saint Elina. Anytime her mouth opens I get a lil' feisty.

SAMANTHA:

economy

Aww! I thought I'd hate her because she had such a horrible walk, but she's so adorable. I want to hang out with her. She also looks pained that her country's economy is taking a dive off the deep end. I believe it. Keep on truckin', Sam!

BRITTANY:

military

She was boring before, and she's boring now. Standing straight up. Enjoyable.

SHEENA:

energy

Gurl is so true. She accepts Isis for who she is, and respects her bravery! I love you Sheena! I thought I'd hate her, but she's so awesome. She's like, Asian but she talks like a black girl. Loves it. That being said, I have no fucking clue how this pertains to energy.

TOPANGA:

healthcare

Kay, Analeigh. Woah - she's got ANAL in her name. Whore. Anyway, this picture is alright. She's got the slutty nurse 'come hither' look down, but everybody knows how to do that. Plus, she's kind of annoying.

CLARK:

bureaucracy

CLARK IS A CUNT.

LAUREN BRIE:

education

Slutty teacher, yeah we get it. Is it week two yet?

HANNAH:

nuclear weapons

Does nuclear war make her horny? I mean, we all have fetishes - but that's just fucked. Not to mention dangerous to your heath!

NIKEYSHA:

cloning

Amazing photoshop skills. They managed to mirror her shot. Congrats. It's creepy and all, but it's also fucked. And not a good fucked. Like - it's cuntfucked.

---

ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:

---

SHARAUN:

homeland security

Bitch was a bitch. She and Clark are the cunts of the week. I have nothing else to say.

---

NEXT WEEK:

---

I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. A Channel was a whore last night and showed five hundred commercials each break, and didn't even show us the preview for next week. I don't give a fuck about CSI: SHITSVILLE, I just want ma top model! Something about hot air balloons.

NEXT ELIMINEE PREDICTION:

Joslyn

CYCLE 11 GIRLS (?) ARE HERE!

2008-08-13T18:23:00.009-04:00

It's been a hell of a long time, y'all - but we're back to ANTM season. It's exciting! Well, let's talk about me; catch up. I have a job now! So, I'm not just a blogging drone anymore. That being said, I hope to baby Jesus that I can get every Wednesday off to watch this hunk of crap. You may ask, is it really worth a day's pay? Well, no - but enjoying myself and degrading people on reality TV shows makes me feel powerful, as well as the fact that I'm talking in your head right now. Yeah, get with it. Regardless! I will try my hardest to inform all three of you (that was a joke I made) of my thoughts, and don't be shy - add in your own! It's not an all out haterade here. I open my arms (and legs) to all kinds of lovin'!

Anyway, enough with the bullshit! Let's get on to the newest victims of Tyra & Co.!

(Oh yeah, the theme for this cycle is like LSD or something.)

---

HAYHAY CYCLE ELEVEN:

---

ANALEIGH:

Why do they have to put the ugliest girl first? I'm joking. She's pretty in that, fucked up "Topanga from Boy Meets World" type of way. Look at her necklace. At least she's got the theme right.

BRITTANY:

Boring look, boring face, boring name. What an exciting contestant!

CLARK:

Yes, you read that correctly. Clark. She could benefit from a makeover - and a hamburger.

ELINA:

Gorgeous! She is the Angelina Jolie of ANTM. I will call her Saint Elina from now on. Ok, only if she's nice. If not, then I'm tearing her to shreds like everyone else. She's also from Berdichieve, Ukraine. America's Next Top Model my ass - which rocks!

HANNAH:

Hey, you know what's cool about her? She's the only contestant I know of that's from Alaska. She's practically Canadian! Most likely a devout Christian as well. Probably as boring as a stick. The most exciting thing about her will probably be the fact that her name is still Hannah spelled backwards. (Seriously, I shit myself when I noticed that way back when.)

ISIS:

Okay. Y'all are gonna shit yourself when you hear this. Take a good look at this one. Pretty fierce right? Not your atypical black girl. Precisely. Truth of the matter is, she actually has a penis. This is no Dominique tranny joke; it's for real. I'm like, amazed. I hope she goes far, and you know she will. She's got a story, she'll create drama, and she's fierce as hell.

JOSLYN:

She's kind of wearing the same thing Atalya did from cycle 10. I know you're all going "Who?" Exactly. As Boring as watching dust form, while paint dries on a growing plant. Who knows, she might shock us all and be decent. Oh wait, this is ANTM. There aren't any shocks.

LAUREN:

She's sure not Lauren Utter (my ho from last cycle) but she's alright. We'll see how she fairs against a Ukrainian action star and an amazingly gorgeous transgender woman!

MARJORIE:

This is another one of the foreigners. Lil' Marge here hails from Marseilles, France and will probably be the comic relief ESL contestant this cycle. I would say that Elina would be the comic relief, but her face is too fucking serious for that shit.

McKEY:

What's with the crazy names this cycle? She's kind of looks like Jenah á la cycle 9. Which is a good thing, I guess. If she fucks up and tarnishes the beauty that was Jenah, I will personally cut a bitch.

NIKEYSHA:

Bitch already has the Saleisha tootie cut! Someone save her from herself!

SAMANTHA:

Going through the pictures, I've realized I hate all the ones standing sideways. This one is no exception.

SHARAUN:

KATHLEEN? IS THAT YOU?

"I know, right? I didn't!"

SHEENA:

Kay, so this is our resident 'asian' of the cycle, and I don't really think she is. She's from Honolulu, Hawaii - but I'll accept her as asian anyway, since the series completely lacks any races other than black and white. Watch her be the first to go. Goodbye racial diversity!

---

So! Those are your newest hos! I'm glad to be back, and I hope to hear from y'all soon!

CYCLE 11 STARTS ON SEPTEMBER 3RD.

CHECK YO' LOCAL LISTINGS, BITCHES.

GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-13T12:55:00.005-04:00

WHY OH WHY DIS THIS BITCH WIN!? Not only did I waste my life watching every episode of this shit show (but not wasting more of my life by recapping it here) to see Karin win; I wasted my life watching it to end up seeing Ms. Universe TANYA win. I will seriously rip out a bitch's weave I'm so angered!

Anyway; I know you don't care - but here's the other photos from the losers (winners, really. they have all these portfolio pictures to work with, but they don't have to be like "Yeah, I won uh.... She's Got the Look." And they'd say the title of the show really quietly and fast as if it was embarrassing or something. Oh wait!)

SO HERE IT BE:

Bahia - "I Am Enough"

I think she's dyslexic and meant to write "Am I enough?" because it looks like she's going to break her own neck.

Karin - "The Birth of Beauty"

BITCH WAS REBORN! Seriously. This picture is the best of the three; and she looks retarded.

Tanya - "Life is a Journey, Not a Destination"

I need to smack this bitch and be like "What the fuck is your problem?" because this is some messed up shit. In fact, I think she was inspired by LOLCATS.

LOLCAT - "BITCH STOL MA IDEUH"

WE ALL KNOW WHO THE TRUE WINNER IS!

---

Well, until next time! Or, September 3rd, rather - when Tyra is joined by fourteen other hos.

Apparently there's an Asian bitch. Fuck, now you know who's gonna win. Tyra will be like "I remember when I was in China; and I saw all the women. It must be so hard to stand out. But now you will; because Chelsea (you know that's gonna be her name) you're America's Next Top Model!" or some lame ass excuse like that. After all, last cycle Whitney was bigger, so she needed a helping hand - and since the Asian will have slanted eyes, Tyra will let her win so she'll be able to see straight in the modeling industry.

FUCK RACIST JOKES.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL FOR GRANNIES

2008-06-08T22:03:00.006-04:00

OHMYFUCKINGYAHWEY.

There is a ANTM like show for the elderly. Dominique's dream has come true! She can finally be the beautiful one in the competition!

So, I will be documenting the new series throughout its first cycle to give you the low-down as to what's crappenin' in the realm of ANTMfG. (America's Next Top Model for Grannies). In reality, it's called She's Got the Look; but that's fucking lame. My title is so much better. Admit it.

Alright, so basically all that happened this week was they picked 20 grannies and flew them all to New York first class. Wait, what am I thinking. This is a low budget show on TVLand; they flew in the luggage department. So, they all take pictures with their own personal 'styles', (which further exemplifies the fact that old women have no style) and were judged based on their personality (bullshit), their potential and their photo. (I think they forgot to photoshop these.. just... you'll see.) So, basically it's a suckier version of ANTM; but way more campy, and therefore, way more fun. So, let's move on to which saggy-breasted coochie vacuum cleaner wrinkly ass bitches got to move in to the retirement home!

TOP TEN BITCHES:

BAHIA, 37:

This bitch is 37. More like 47. She has not aged well! She looks like a slab of fried meat - disgusting! She sounds like Dina Araz from 24. This is the first picture shown; and it's the best of the bunch. So, get yourself ready.

CELESTE, 50:

This is yoga bitch. She decided she would wear some fucking fucked up piece of shit to her photoshoot; which in turn made her look like MC Hammer with a vagina. (?) Mind you, she does look good for 50; but that isn't saying much.

HOPE, 35:

Bitch is the youngest of the grannies. Ok, so thirty-five isn't really a granny age, I guess; but then again - when you have a baby daddy, you're usually young. So, she could very well have a sixteen year old daughter who has just popped out a little biscuit named LaQuandra.

KARIN, 40:

What exactly is this?

KATHY, 39:

Cindy Crawford look-alike = guaranteed top 5.

MELISSA, 38:

This bitch looks like she was plucked right out of Baywatch circa 1996, and thrown up on this photoshoot. Sit yo' ass down.

PAULA, 37:

This is the resident DYKE of the series. Obviously, you have to have a lesbian on the show, living in a house with nine other straight women presumably Christian backgrounds. Get ready to hear the phrase: "Dark-sided!" in subsequent episodes.

ROXANNE, 40:

HOLY SHIT IT'S THAT BITCH FROM MOULIN ROUGE!

SHARON, 63:

This here is the oldest coochie-vacuum in the show. You see that nine inch zipper on those mom jeans? Fuck. I bet she will go far, though. I can see it in her eyes. She has absolutely no desire to head back to the abyss of grannyige.

TANYA, 45:

Get the fuck out.

---

So, that's all the sagged boob'd bitches! Tune in next Thursday for episode two! Where the Greypower insurance holders pose nude. That one will definitely be NSFW.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL IS...

2008-05-15T16:20:00.006-04:00

WHITNEY!!!!!!

Okay; so I didn't call it. At all. Ever. But I will say that even though Anya was a better model, Whitney is the better Covergirl. Anya was just too, how do I say; fucking weird. At first I was like "TYRA HOW COULD YOU!?" but I slept on it (well not really; I just slept and then thought about it today...) and I realized I actually did really like Whitney deep inside! Well, congrats to the first "FULL FIGURED" model winning the show. Hopefully I don't see her in a Penningtons 14+ ad.

If anyone cares, this was the top three order. I'll use their Covergirl pictures; because they speak louder than words. And my words are pretty damn loud.

WINNER:

WHITNEY:

Kay, seriously; this picture is actually gorgeous. Where was this Whitney the entire competition. Maybe I would have liked throughout her had she taken photos like this.

RUNNER UP:

ANYA:

I usually LOVE Anya's pictures, but this is the one photo where I saw Xenu before Anya. Seriously. When it came up on screen I was like; holy shit. What the hell is this? I mean, it's okay - but definitely not AMAZING.

THIRD PLACE:

FATIMA:

Aww, poor Fats. She looks good, but it isn't wonderful. It's a little more "I've found Jesus!" than "I have lashes as voluptuous as Whitney's ass cheeks!" (Sorry, I needed one more stab at WhitWhit. It's all over!)

---

So! Hoes, it's been fun. Tune in for Canada's Next Top Model (if it ever airs?) or perhaps I'll do Australia's? Who knows. Anything but Britain. BNTM makes America's look amazing in comparison. Not good.

PEACE!

ANTM: THE WEEK WHEN WE ALL BREATHE A SIGH OF RELEIF

2008-05-08T19:21:00.004-04:00

Sorry this is so late, peoples! I've been killing women of the night on GTA: IV for the past two days! Forgive!

Ok. So, this is the week where we all join hands and pray to the God reins power over America's Next Top Model. Fucking Hell, y'all know I mean Tyra. She finally made a good choice! Mind you, it was weeks too late; the damage was already done.

This week, the hos had to take photos of Paulina (who, by the way, is SHITLOADS better than Twiggy.) and it was really painful to watch. Fatima took good shots; (like I said, she's better behind the camera) Whitney was alright, too. Although she sucked up more than gradegrubbers in high-school. Dominique made her run miles and then stop and turn, which Paulina was good about. I bet she was like "I'll just humour her this week. Bitch ain't gonna win, anyway. Smile, look past her Adam's apple; don't stare her directly in the eye...". But, the worst was yet to come. My girl Anya was all over the fucking place. Taking pictures of Paulina jumping, touching plants, throwing leaves, shooting up.. just crazy shit. Obviously, she didn't win the challenge, and the prize was given to the mediocre Fats. She screamed.

On to the shoot! It consisted of paparazzi catching these models in mid romance, and the girls were supposed to show anger or surprise. You know, Liza Minelli when the lights start flashing. It was alright; and I was scared because Nigel was the photographer. Remember his cycle 9 Chinese dragon shoot, the cycle 8 legal rights one and all that blurred after effects shit? Yeah, turrible. Rull turrible. This one wasn't bad at all, actually; and I give Nigel props for actually succeeding at his job! He's still just a noted fashion photographer to me, though.

"Hey, do you know Nigel Barker?"

"Oh yeah, the fashion photographer who happens to be noted?"

"Yeah."

"Why yes, I do. Funny, I don't know him because of his work; just the fact that he is a judge on America's Next Top Model."

"Yeah, pretty lame, eh?"

"Hellz yeah."

Well, let's break these hos down one by one!

---

CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

---

ANYA:

Bitch has it goin' on, and always will. She looks like Amy Winehouse after being caught by the paps immediately after smoking crack. Look in her eyes. They're totally giving the "Oh shit, I think I forgot the pipe." Anya's crazy, and she's gonna win.

WHITNEY:

Okay, she took an okay shot. Sure. In comparison to Fats and a tranny!

(ALSO: Does anyone notice how Whitney's picture is just slightly wider than the rest?)

FATIMA:

Alright; when she was in the bottom two, she thought she was going home. Hello?! Did you see Dominique's picture?! You are guaranteed another week. Don't get yourself so worked up, Fats! It was obvious you were gonna stay.

---

ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:

---

DOMINIQUE:

This picture is really bad. Like, I can't even.. whatever. I kinda ended up liking Dom, though. You know, even if I did bash the shit out of her every week. She had some highlights. Like saying how she wanted to kick Whitney's ass. Hell yeah!

RIP TRANNIQUE!

---

NEXT WEEK:

---

It's the finale, urrybods! Covergirl commercials! I can't wait for this train wreck. I'm thinking a little less fake, a little more crazy.

---

TOP THREE PREDICTION:

---

Winner: Anya

Runner-up: Whitney

Third: Fatima

OH LORDY!

PREVIEW FOR NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE:

2008-05-03T23:29:00.003-04:00

Ugh, Whitney. WHY ARE YOU SO ANNOYING? How you managed to stay in this competition this long is beyond me. I mean, you were good in the first couple of shoots, but then you got too comfortable and lost me as a fan. I mean, I was automatically obligated to love you because you were fat(ter than the rest of the girls) and you seemed nicer than the previous belugas Tyrant had chosen to be on the show. (AKA: Whitney from cycle 8. BORRRRRING!) Whatever. So, I guess you're not going home this week. Then it's definitely gonna be Dominique. No question. That ho has had her day. (So have you, but your time will come.)

ANTM: MEET THE SPARTANS?

2008-05-01T19:27:00.007-04:00

Well! It's the first Lauren-less week of ANTM, and I'm kind of glad. This shit is embarrassing. Lauren wouldn't be having any of this. Trust. First, they fight some fucking guy who was probably an extra in 300; (scratch that, he's on ANTM now. He was more likely an extra in Meet the Spartans) and then they do a photoshoot with Tyra; and y'all already know Tyra is batshit crazy. They had to be some renaissance rock goddess hobags or something. Whatever they were supposed to be, it turned out like that. But that's my opinion; make your own assumption.....NOW.

---CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:---

FATIMA:Girl looks like some broken down doll, and it's fucking fierce. I know how much I hated Fats in the beginning, but now I kinda like her. She takes pretty good shots and is actually kind of funny. Although she's still a huge bitch and if I met her I'd probably poke her collar bones and say: "GURRRRRRRRRL!" just so she'd call me ghetto. Bitch loves us ghetto hos.

DOMINIQUE:Tyra loved the shit out of this shot, and I don't know what kind shit she was on, but I want some! I mean, Dominique looks good - for Dominique. If anyone else took this shot, they'd be dunzo.

ANYA:Bitch was cheated out of this. Third?! I don't think so. She's my only ho left. But Tyra hates her, so doubts she's gonna win it. But if she does; I bet you she'll have this huge, long-winded Hawaiian accented speech about how great it is to be America's next top model. Imagine the possibilities!

WHITNEY:ANNA NICOLE RISES AGAIN!

---ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:---

KATARZYNA:I didn't think I'd be putting her here. I honestly thought she was going to win. She was so cute, (after she got that haircut; PORN STAR!) but now I'm really sad. I told you, though. Tyra ripped up her name, spat and stomped on it until the end. Even her little, "Goodbye, Ka-TAR-ginna!" at the end made me cringe. TYRA I H8 U!
---NEXT WEEK:---
Apparently they all suck. Well, considering who's left; no wonder.
---NEXT ELIMINEE:---I want to say Whitney; but I'm thinking Dominique. She's stuck around far too long!

PREVIEW FOR NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE:

2008-04-26T16:38:00.003-04:00

The first Lauren-less week of ANTM. What will I do? Root for Anya or Katarzyna? Yes. But watch out! DoMANique seems to be impressing Tyra! I wonder who's gonna suck the most this week. 'Cause you know, it's not a matter of whether or not you suck, it's how bad you suck.

ANTM: COMMERCIALS

2008-04-24T22:03:00.002-04:00

These are the commercials from last night's episode. Put on a diaper, 'cause they're 'piss your pants' funny. :)

ANTM: VIVA ITALIA!

2008-04-23T22:50:00.012-04:00

(NOTE: COMMERCIAL WEEK = NO PHOTOS)

Well, all I can say is this is the most hilarious episode of ANTM I've ever seen. Ever. I was ROFLing and my mom was making a ROFLCOPTER. Riding around on Segways, falling, barfing. I mean, woah. Intense shit fo' shizz.

---
CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:
---

FATIMA:Fatima used her raspy voice (she was 'sick'. Too many D's to the VB if you know what I'm sayin'.) and made it sensual. It was actually the most believable, 'cause she had the lines down pretty well; and hells. I don't think they speak Italian in Somalia.

KATARZYNA:Katarzyna was bland, until she made it clear on how to pronounce her name; and girl. Tyra wasn't having any of that shit.
Kat:"Since we're so far into this, let's do a recap of how to pronounce my name. It's KA-tar-JHEN-na."Tyra: "Okay, wow. Your performance was bad."(ONLY BECAUSE KAT CORRECTED HER).
Kat: "Oh, okay. Thanks."
Tyra: "Thanks, Ka-TAR-ginna."
Kat: "KA-tar-what?"
Tyra: "@_@"(There was some anger.)

ANYA:Anya was so ESL, I couldn't even like... whatever.

DOMINIQUE:Dominique definitely scored some points with me, not because she was good; but because she made me laugh the most. Around the part where she said "...BRASILIA!", I was dying of laughter; but she was laughing too. She has a sence of humour, okay?!

WHITNEY:Shitney sucked the biggest dick of them all and played it fake the entire way through. Laughing and just being terrible. Like, it was so bad it made Dominique's look like Oscar material.

---ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:---
LAUREN:But, as always, one ho had to go. My girl Lauren was on this weeks chopping block, unfortunately. That being said, she was totally going home this week. Hello, look. 1. It was a COMMERCIAL; 2. She was my favourite; and 3. It was the first elimination after the abroad trip. (á la JAEL.) But seriously. Watch her commercial. She looked like a drunk walking in off the street and muttering things even the Italians couldn't understand. It was pretty bad, but it had everyone loling. I think maybe Dom had a little problem, but she depends on Depend, so it's all good.
---

NEXT WEEK:
They do a photo shoot where they all look like Anya in her 'Punk Music' shot, and then some Meet the Spartans shit happens? I don't know. What I do know is Anya is my newest love. Did you see how she fell out of the bus? So modelesque!

---
NEXT ELIMINEE:
Whitney (GOD DAMN IT I HOPE SO.)

ANTM: THE WEEK THEY GO TO A 'PARTY'.

2008-04-17T15:56:00.008-04:00

So, this week was a shocker. Like, for real! 100%. There wasn't any fighting! That, and Fatima was going crazy over her passport. (ALSO: How horrible does she look in confessional? Rull horrible.) So, Paulina comes in and is teaching them about interviews and shit like that; (I actually admire Paulina. She spends more time with the chill'en) So, sure enough - they have a challenge! Whoever goes to a party and doesn't appear FAKE wins! Oh shit. Surprisingly, my ho Lauren does a great job (minus a finger) and Whitney and Stacy-Ann suck the big one. Ultimately, Anya wins the shit. AND WINS $10,000!! Girl's already won 10% of the prize. Holy shitskies. Well, they had a photoshoot at the airport! They were supposed to look like they were late for a plane, and it was a group shot! Although, Fatima was at the consulate getting her 'travel documents'. (She said that so much this episode. Oh, my fuck.) There was only one photo, so let's break it down!

---
CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:
---

ANYA:
Kay, face it. Anya is fucking fierce. There's no doubt about it. She and Lauren are my bets for the final two.
LAUREN:
Y'all know I fucking love this chick. All I can say is she's still fucking boss.

DOMINIQUE:
Okay, I know she's a batshit crazy tranny, but you have to admit she's working it in this shot. Go Trannique!

KATARZYNA:
She doesn't really look like she's running to the plane. She looks like she's faking it because she's actually a Polish terrorist who has planted a bomb on the flight and is like "I am coming, girls! I cannot keep up! The heels on my feet very difficult walking for me! Don't wait up, I will catch next departure. Good day!" Actually, she could possibly be one. IMAGINE!
"Next week on America's Next Top Model; Dominique starts questioning Katarzyna's abilities when Kat pulls a bomb and hijacks their flight!"
Even if they did that it would be a photo shoot. How distasteful would that be? Fuck. Tyra would do it as a way of showing true terror or some shit. OK. On to the next ho.

WHITNEY:
What the hell? Whitney, go home. Seriously. You've turned out to be so annoying.
FATIMA:
She's too beautiful to be in the shot! ---ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:--- STACY-ANN:
What the fuck is this shit? She looks like she's ready to do something you get paid for under the table by perverted old men.
---

NEXT WEEK:---VIVA ITALIA OR SOMETHING. They do commercials. This is probably the part where Lauren gets kicked out. Why? 'Cause even though she's not as messed up as the hot mess that was Jael (WHO I LOVED SO DON'T FRONT) she's too 'punk' to do a Covergirl commercial. But, that being said; Whitney is way too fake to make that shit believable.

NEXT ELIMINEE:
WHITNEY

PREVIEW FOR NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE:

2008-04-10T22:31:00.004-04:00

Now, don't be shitting yourself because I didn't do a recap of yesterday's episode. It was a recap episode itself. That being said, I wish Marvita was still here. Why? Well, I'll tell you.

"THE PROCEEDS GO TO BREAST CANCER!"

Marvita made a song about it. If you don't believe me, look the episode up on youtube. It is priceless.

Okay, anyway! There's some scurry shit goin' down next week! Seriously, you CANNOT miss this. If you do, I will come to your house and pimp slap you.

ANTM: "I'M GONNA SLIDE IN!"

2008-04-03T15:21:00.008-04:00

Okay, so I knew Claire was getting the boot this week, (No, seriously. I actually knew. I read a spoiler.) and I couldn't be happier! Bitch was hella annoying and got increasingly uglier as time progressed. Her roots started to grow in and bitch looked straight up dusk hooker. No joke. You know, the kind of hooker you see on the street corners around 7:00pm to about 10:00pm and you're not too sure if she's really a hooker or just a civilian; because hookers constitute as "Royalty de la Rue". (Everything sounds better in French.) So, she's gone. It was her and Lauren in the bottom two, and although Lauren's picture was not fierce in the slightest, it was still better than Claire's. Who was like completely flat faced. Genetics you say? Well, I say it's because of her little "mishap". Allow me to explain with these four words:

"I'm gonna slide in!"

Claire; honey. If you're reading this, sliding is what you did the second time. The first time was straight up faceplant. I can't even begin to explain the pain I felt when she fell. It was somewhere between stomach pain due to immense laughter, or.. no that was it.
They also did Go-Sees, which was particularly shitty. More so than usual, even! So, I'm not gonna waste my time.

---
CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:
---

FATIMA:
Girl deffs had it goin' on this week. This photo is fucking feirce. No doubt about that. She looks like the black angel from Touched By an Angel! Except, like; sixty pounds.

ANYA:
I just realized how ugly her nose was. This shot is good and all, but seriously. Profiles don't work for her. Also: did it or did it not look like she had a serious five o'clock shadow this week?

KATARZYNA:
She got her haircut! She cried like I said she would! But I don't know why she was crying. She looks so much better now; and this shot is good, too.

WHITNEY:
That's one large fetus.

STACY-ANN:
Bitch looks like Mo from CNTM in this pic! She also one the go-sees thing. High five, Mo! I mean Stacy-Ann... doo dooo dooo doo dooo.

DOMINIQUE:
Dominique is feirce. Dominique can look pained and look like she's having an orgasm at the same time. Gimme a break; Dominique should go home.

LAUREN:
She survived! I knew she wasn't going home due to my reading of the spoiler, but I was so scared! I mean, this shot is alright, but I personally think the photoshoot itself was like, fucked beyond belief.

---
ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:
---

CLAIRE:
Thank you! She's gone! She tried way too hard, and she still looked and acted like shit. See yah, bitch!

---

NEXT WEEK:
---

Fatima has some legal issues! She's probably an illegal from Somalia and they're sending her packing. She said she could be kicked out by default. Fuck no! If she's gonna get the boot it MUST be because she sucked. Tyra, please! Do something! Oh, and Lauren "cuts her finger off" according to Anya. I think that's crazy fucked up AnyianHawaiian for "got a paper cut" 'cause Lauren definitely didn't look to concerned. Self mutilation? No way. She's not emo; she's fuckin' punk rawk!

---

NEXT ELMINEE:
---

WHITNEY

PREVIEW OF THIS WEEK'S EPISODE:

2008-03-30T14:36:00.002-04:00

OH MA GAWD!

(NOTE: I read a spoiler and according to it, my guess as to who is going next week is WRONG!)

ANTM: HOUSE OF THE INSANE

2008-03-27T10:37:00.016-04:00

Aiight, so this is like - way late; but I've been busy with a sick cat. How can that keep you busy? Blood stains in the carpet - that's how.

So, the episode starts off with Dominique's alarm clock going off in the middle of the night. Claire gets pissed and flips out on her in NIGHTVISION. You see, Claire is on edge because she doesn't have anymore breast milk left, and she doesn't like her cereal dry or something. In the morning, Dominique calls out Claire and said the only reason she was yelling at her was because Claire called her a bitch. (She is, but I just get with it.) Then Lauren goes fucking insane and stands up on a chair and screams; "YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY!" to Dominique. I'm officially scared of Lauren; and she probably likes it. I visited her MySpace page and I was frightened by images of demons and quotes about the Devil! (DARKSIDED!) As much as she's scary online, she seems really cool; except when the veins pop out of her neck.

Next there's a visit by Tyralforce herself. She instructs the girls that during their photoshoots, if they aren't doing well; to try posing with pain. Get this:

"Anya! Your shoulder blades really hurt. Show me your shoulder blades really hurt!"
She does.

"Katarzyna! You were at tha cluub and you were doing squats and now your thighs really hurt! Show me your thighs hurt!"
She does.

"Lauren! You! Were! Playing! Pattycake! With lots! Of kids! And now! Your palms! Really! Hurt!"
Lauren stands there.

I totally feel her "palm pain". How the fuck are you supposed to do that?! Anyway, after Tyrant reveals it was a challenge and tells the girls via LED message that Anya won and gets to have a photoshoot with Nigel Barker. She's excited and goes to the set and he says: "It's going to be timeless; because you'll be naked." Uhm, sorry. I would never shoot naked with Nigel. Ever. If you paid me, yeah. I should be a hooker. Nawh, they're too dirty.

Next up, the girls go to their photoshoot and learn that they have to show a certain genre of music in their photo. (Seriously, ANTM is really surprising me with good photoshoot ideas.) Let's break these ho's down one by one:

---

CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

---

WHITNEY:
GENRE: Grunge
Now, girl never closes her fucking mouth. It's so Goddamn annoying! But her photo was pretty fierce. This would totally be what Courtney Love would look like if she was off the pipe. (AKA: fatter.)

KATARZYZYSNANNSNANZYZYA:
GENRE: Emo
She looks exactly like Shirley Manson of Garbage. It's actually unbelievable. Tyrant also said she'd be giving Kat a second make-over and giving her this haircut. Get ready for some more tears!

FATIMA:
GENRE: Heavy Metal
This shot is goofy, and every time I look at it I smile; and I was surprised that I didn't hate her at all this episode. She seemed so cool for such a bitch!

LAUREN:
GENRE: Pop
She's over six feet tall originally, and with these hookery boots she's like ten feet tall. She's the only girl that had a landscape shot. She also didn't have props to work with, and I personally didn't really love the photo, but the judges liked it. (Also; according to rumors before the show started, Lauren is going to be the biggest bitch in ANTM history. She was also supposed to land in the bottom two the first week and beat the other girl up in panel. Girl got called fourth and there were no beats. There's still a chance, though. See "NEXT WEEK!")

ANYA:
GENRE: Punk
I want her outfit! This is actually my faveourite picture of the week and is currently my desktop background (with Fatima. Oh yes, I went there.) I really hope she continues, because bitch is hella fierce.

DOMINIQUE:
GENRE: Folk
Somebody else needs to choose the photos instead of Tyra. This shit is blurry, and just plain bad. Dom did so much better last week! Damn it, bitch. Step it up!

STACY-ANN:
GENRE: House
Look at her neck and compare to urry other photo she's taken. WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!

CLAIRE:
GENRE: C(o)untry
This makes no sense. Like, what the fuck is it? This shit is disgusting. Claire is disgusting. I didn't like her before, but now I hate her! Don't fuck with Dominique. She'll rip you in half.

---
ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:

---

AIMEE:
GENRE: R&B
Wow. This is bad. Who called it! I did! I mean, it was pretty obvious, but now I'm gonna go out and get a lottery ticket. Miss Mormon was so; "I would never pose nude. I'm a Mormon. My body is a temple." Yeah, whatever. You are (were) in the modelling industry. You have to lose all of your pride and your sould and your body fat. So, see yah later! (Hopefully not.)

---

NEXT WEEK:
Lauren goes apeshit again and Fatima is back to her devilish ways forcing Lauren to scream, "GO CHOKE ON IT." Whatever that means, I bet it isn't good. (Virgin ears!)

---

NEXT ELIMINEE:
STACY-ANN

ANTM: STEP UP TOO DA STREETZ‏

2008-03-23T19:05:00.004-04:00

This week was a total rip off of a certain piece of shit I like to call a movie just to humour myself. "Step Up: Too The Streetz" or some shit like that. Literally! It was called "Top Model Takes It to the Streets". Anywho, they all go to the ''streetz'' of Brooklyn and Lauren's like "I'M HOME!" while all the other girls worry about germs and their lives. So, Benny Ninja appears and SLICES THROUGH ANYA! Kidding, but that would certainly be entertainment. He introduces a Scandinavian (gotta represent!) supermodel by the name of Vandela (who? yeah - who as in WHO KNOWS), which is supposedly pronounced VEN-dala. Whatever; she isn't all that important because why? Well, I'll tell you! They do a "Commercial, Catalogue and Couture" pose-off thingy and Benny would say; "Wow, she was really great!" to which Vandela would either nod and smile or repeat word for word. After, they're split into teams! Team A consists of: Mormon (Aimee), Hawaii (Anya), Tranny (Obvious), FGM (Fatima) and Punk (Lauren) - while Team B consists of: Boobsweat (Claire), Hoodrat (Marvita), Polska (Katarzyna), Whatshersquareface (Stacy-Ann) and Fat (HELLA OBVIOUS). After bending it like Beckam, or like dodging a bullet like in the Matrix (whichever is your personal taste) Team B "wins" the shit.

Back at the house, Dominique misses her allotted phone time that Whitney had assigned, which obviously means that Whitney is not only a fatty, but a racist fatty. The argument surprisingly was only Whitney screaming "MY BFF IS BLACK" and Dominique just kinda looking as if she'd say "Okay, fine. It's alright. Let's be bff's forever." but Shitney won't back off! Girl finally calms down, but seres. Get over it.

The photoshoot was actually good! Surprising for ANTM, which has been diving deeper into the shittiest ocean of shit since about cycle 2. Although pretty basic, the paint and make-up really worked, and Nigel Barker wasn't shooting it, so there was no blurs urrywhere, which is supposed to look good, apparently. Tyra needs some new green contacts. Everyone does well (Tranny got called second and looked like an authentic woman!) except for the obvious exception of Marvita, Fatima and Shitney.

---

CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

---

STACY-ANN:
Now, I think this was more like a "Let's get her hopes up and kick her out next week." move. Her photo was so "ghetto" as Fatima would probably explain. Did you see her homeless shot? Yeah - once you've seen that one, you've seen 'em all.

DOMINIQUE:
She looks like a she! I'm so proud, and surprisingly - this shot is actually really good. Definitely better than Stacy's. Keep goin' Chola! You've got my support!

CLAIRE:
Meh, it's alright - but typically Claire. She's not really giving that "UMPH" I wanna see. Girl's gotta step it up, 'fore Tyra goes batshit on her braless ass.

ANYA:
It's good. You know, I was so worried when they poured the paint on her hair. It could have stained her Gwen Stefani locks which would have lead her to complain.

"Being as for me as for me to pollute the hair whose paint color me is beautiful in not having the function which already becomes the next upper model of America to feel, you harm feeling!"
Yeah.

LAUREN:
Y'all know I love this chick. She's fucking fierce as hell and I'm sure she'll "continue on in hopes of becoming America's Next Top Model..." much longer.

AIMEE:
"You have perfect skin!" is the only thing that flies out of Tyra's trap every time her photo shows up. I think Tyra secretly wishes to be white. She should be a guest on her own talk show.

KATARZYNA:
I think that Tyra also has like "sexy envy" or something. She's always complaining about Katarzyna looking trampish. Come on, Kat's fucking hot. Deal with it. The photo isn't as great as it could be, though. She's slipping real bad.

FATIMA:
Her armpits were unshaved, and you can see her deoderant! Seriously, take a Bic to that shit.

WHITNEY:
Barf. Well, it's true. This looks like a candid shot from a party at Whitney's place immediately after she threw up in the toilet.

---
ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:
---

MARVITA:
Poor chilwe! I actually totally began to love her this episode. She made me and my mum "LOL", like - for real. I hope she does something after this, 'cause she's got the equiptment; she just needs to read the manual.

---
NEXT WEEK:
LAUREN TOTALLY FLIPS ON DOMINIQUE.
"YOU ARE CRAZY!"

---

NEXT ELIMINEE:
AIMEE

ANTM: "OH MA GAH I WON A CHALLINGE?"

2008-03-23T18:51:00.005-04:00

The title is a quote from one of my favourite Jaslene moments. When she won the Go-Sees challenge. As much as I liked her when she said that, as soon as she won over Natasha, I was angered! This shiteous episode started with something I can't remember, but lead up to Jaslene mooching off ANTM yet again. This time as a judge for a runway show! Katarzyna worked it and won, but my girl Lauren walked like she was on her way to a sale at Hot Topic. Fast. Homegirl didn't even pose! Poor baby gurl. Then Jaslene said: (to be read in a deaf voice) "Do you even wanna be a model? Cuz it looked like you din' even wanna be here!" and Lauren said yes, and I believe it. You stay strong, girl!The photoshoot was all kinds of freaky. They wore raw meat and posed with dead animal carcases! Mmm! My tummy is starting to gurgle. (Whether it be nausea or hunger.) Let's break these ho's down! (featuring: The Mayor!)

---
CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:
---

ANYA:
Anya is great - the judges had it right on - Anya is disgusting in real life and gorgeous in pictures. Have you ever heard the saying she is why cavemen painted on walls? Anya is why Adobe created Photoshop.

WHITNEY:
I would have picked Whitney for the win, but Anya stole that shit. Whitney is fat as hell, but she is pretty and takes great shots.

KATARZYNA:
I was glad she won the runway challenge...untill I realized that her prize was a Lot 29 photo-shoot. Ew! That is like a public shaming! I would rather people find out I suck dick for weed than to find my face in a Lot 29 ad. You think I'm joking, but I am dead serious. Lot 29 will haunt your ass for years.

CLAIRE:
There are two things that bother me about Claire:
1) Her hair looked so much better when it was black and half-shaved. She looks too much like Rosie O'Donnell's girlfriend now.
2) Homegirl is hurting for a bra. Can we not get her a bra? Please.

DOMINIQUE:
I know that I make fun of Dominique for looking like a Soccer Mom, but for reals - she is an inspiration to MILFs and Cougars everywhere. Good for you, Dominique! You can be 40 and sexy!

STACY-ANN:
I am so bored with Stacy-Ann too. She needs to leave. No drama, no fighting. She doesn't pick sides. Long story short, not good for TV.

LAUREN:
Now, Miss Mayor had a comment about my girl Lauren, but I've gotta defend her! She kept her cool when Jaslene attacked her with the deaf Latina voice from Hell. She stayed calm during the meat shit, and she's always polite in panel! Maybe not 'punk', but whatever. Bitch can take stellar photos as you can tell from this week and urry other week - so back off!

MARVITA:
Next week she gets into a pose-off with Benny Ninja. Ooh! Lover's quarrel! Marvita has plenty of gifts; long legs, strong eyes. But someone needs to get her the greatest gift of all. Proactive.

AIMEE:
So boring. So effing boring. I think she will be next to go.

FATIMA:
Did you watch her walk? Oh. My. God. I don't even know what to call that. Miss J called it marching, but I call it prancing. She prances like when I call my dog to dinner. And let me tell you, my dog is a prancy-pants. America's love affair with Fatima is over.

---

ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:

---

AMIS:
Why, honestly, why was Amis picked? Hell, why was Kimberly picked? Anyways, how lame was that girl's headband? Ugh, I am SO OVER those American Apparel headbands. Everytime I see one, I want to punch the wearer in the face. Same goes for: leggings, Iranian scarves, H&M's fake leather bomber jackets, Wayfarers. DUNZO.

---

NEXT WEEK:
Whitney gets into a crazy fight where she gets called a racist by Dominique. Pot calling the Kettle black. Dominique is a cold-ass Chola and urrbody knows that Cholas be racist as shit. I would love to say the fight goes somewhere, but this crew is so dullsville that it will go like this:

Whitney: Black girls have better weaves than white girls.
Dominique: You is racist!!
Whitney: DON'T CALL ME RACIST!!
Dominique: Okay...I'm sorry. That was out of line.
Whitney: I accept your apology.

Ugh, so boring. Anyways, let's all watch next week as Jaslene crawls her way back into another episode (she needs the $$) and lets all cross our fingers that Tyra doesn't sing again (oh god! Her voice raped my ears!!)

ANTM: Tears N' Weaves

2008-03-23T18:19:00.009-04:00

Last nights episode was intense! Who am I kidding, it was a snore fest. That being said, it was "Tears n' Weaves" and there were weaves a many. Tyra decided it would be fun to scare all the girls shitless by not telling them what they were going to do to their hair, and only show them their final result. Everyone actually seemed decent towards the end! I was surprised, really. Except by Hawaii (AKA: Anya). Her hair was bleached and so were her eyebrows. Bitch looked like Gwen Stefani with that shit. God, it looked so horrible. She looked like me - eyebrowless. (DON'T FRONT!) Marvita got some fucked up ''horse mane'' thing, Claire got her hair bleached and it looks trashy. Hells! There are tonnes of fake blondes and fake red heads now! Don't worry, Lady Mayor. They kicked out one of the fake gingers already, or the "fingers" as I've now coined. (pronounced: FIN - gerz; The 'ger' part is like saying "Nazi GERmany". Get with it.) Lauren looks exceptionally good, but maybe I only say that 'cause she's my fave. Dominique still looks trannylicious. (OMFG! Who else shit themselves when they heard her say "I have to be the mother and the father..." Bitch could pass for either any day.) Who else? Ah, who cares. They modeled Elle McPhearson's lingerie! At least she was there, though. Most of the time I bet the designers don't even know what their clothes are being used for. It's probably just Tyra saying "Y'all, could I borrow about.. oh I don't know - twelve different outfits for the evening?" and when she brings them back the designers can smell ''bad model'' on them. Now, it could either mean Tyra wore them all herself, or she was filming an episode of ANTM. Who knows!

---

CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

---

LAUREN:
Girl had it goin' on. The editors made it seem like she was doing bad, but her little "woah I'm gonna fall off the boat like, right now." look really WERK'D. It was hella fierce.

MARVITA:
Gosh, I'm seriously beginning to like this chilwe! She may have her bad attitude, and rough, manly exterior - but you know homegirl sleeps with a stuffed animal. That bein' said, girl took a really great photo. Even though they were in front of the Brooklyn Bridge, that shit was totally fake behind her.

AIMEE:
One of the new ''fingers''. Her shot was okay, but we've gotten used to the fact that she's gonna slide right through this until Tyra's like: "Oh, you're still here?"

CLAIRE:
I. Hate. Her. Hair. Wait, didn't I say I liked everyone's makeovers? Fuck it. I lied. This shit is disgusting. The picture doesn't do anything for me either.

STACY-ANN:
My sister kept singing that "lap dance" song Stacy sang in the first episode. Why do they love her facial features? She's like, square.

FATIMA:
Mmm... girl's gettin' on my last nerve. I love the way she unknowingly insults everyone. Her picture was so Iman, though. It was good, in my opinion - but what do I know as the consumer? You know; the person that actually looks at the photos in stores to see if I actually wanna buy... oh wait. None of them get that far!

ANYA:
My eyes are bored.

WHITNEY:
In the photo, Whitney is wearing a corset and Tyra was like "I wanna see your fat!" Well... basically.

KATARZYNA:
PORN STAR.

AMIS:
Girl was saved from the bottom two by the horrible skin of her face. She's my bet as to who's going next week.

DOMINIQUE:
Tranny had some stretch marks! Understandable now that I know she's a mom. Tyra was like; "You can cover that up when you pose." Pfft. Aren't airbrushers and photoshop experts supposed to do that? No wait - they were probably too fucking tired after photoshopping Tyra's photo and Amis' face.
---
ULTIMATE LOSER OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:
---

ALLISON:
Sarah Silverman! How we will miss you. Yeah, right. Bitch is finally gone. "I used to be anorexic!" Whatever. Get over it! You're are (were) in the modeling industry. Being or having previously been anorexic in that industry is like the sun coming up. It just is. Buhbye.

---

NEXT WEEK:
Jaslene comes back and starts slammin' my girl Lauren! Bitch had best check her Latina self or I'm gonna get the whip. The girls also freak on Whitney! They'd all best back off. I bet she could like, crush em. I heart (disease) Whitney.

ANTM: EVER WONDER WHERE THE FLOOR IS? 'CAUSE I DO!

2008-03-23T17:57:00.007-04:00

KAY SO BASICALLY. Fatima is a bitch - but an innocent bitch? Girl has valid points, but doesn't know what the fuck she's saying or when to stop. When another girl has a knife to you're throat; you shut up. Fact. (Kay, that didn't happen - but it might. Trust.) Marvita likes to say "The meanest African I know!" all the time. Um, girl. You're up there, too - so you'd best tone that down - but she and Fatima sorted it all out! Besides, it's a family drama! ALSO! Did you enjoy the new theme song video thing? I sure did. Taking Saleisha out of the opening credits was the best thing Tyra's done for the show since she kicked Janice off. Mind you, Saleisha winning was the WORST thing Tyra's done for the show, so I guess all in all - she's breaking even so far, but she's bound to fuck it up. Seriously, if I see one more super hero, space adventure or freefalling photo shoot again I will kill someone. So, runway show. Boring, pretty much everyone sucks. Lauren cannot walk, like at all - but bitch has an amazing face. Kimberly was like "It's crazy to pay like, $2000 on an outfit, like that's totally crazy. Ya know?" and I'm all "What the fuck are you doing here then?" and it didn't click! She was the one Tyra went fucking batshit on in panel! Long story short it went something like this:

"I'm not interested in fashion."

*collective gasp!*

"Then why are you here?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to be here?"

"No."

"Then leave."

BUT OF COURSE SHE WAS GOING HOME.

I mean, they picked 14 girls, right? And Tyra said even though one quit putting the number to 13, she was still going to eliminate someone. Meaning they'd be at the number of girls they usually would!

This week's re-cap has as special guest. My employer; The Mayor!

Also this episode we got our new judge! Who would be joining Janice Dickinson and Twiggy in the Old Hag Club? That's right, the glamorous and famous Paulina Porzikova. Insert cricket noises here. I know, I have no idea either. I had to actually Google her to find out how to spell her name correctly. From now on, we will refer to her as Not-Twiggy, because she isn't Twiggy. It seems she also isn't employed, because she took a job on ANT-motherfucking-M. Another notable note is Miss J's glitter velcro-name jacket. I wish he would rip the name off when the girl is standing there. Imagine how awesome that would be? Tyra is like "you have to pack up your bags and leave the house" and then Miss J rips that velcro name off and throws it at her. Can this be arranged? Can a bucket of pig's blood be arranged? No? Ugh, I never get what I want.

---

CRITIQUES IN CALL OUT ORDER:

---

ANYA:
This week's winner was Anya. (AKA: Hawaii.) She is gonna be around for a while, I can feel it. She has something, and I think she will get better as the weeks progress. And thankful this isn't America's Next Top English Speaking Person, because she would be dead in the water. If you want to write something that sounds like Anya, go to Babelfish and type in a sentence. Translate it from English to Japanese, then back to English again. It's fun, watch...

"Tyra! I am be this way happy for on the next highest model of America! Each day a new challenge, and I is will not let down you!"

It actually sounds less retarded than when they read out the LED Tyra mails.

CLAIRE:
Fantasgreat. She is gonna be one of the last three names on Miss J's coat (if she doesn't go all "boo hoo, I miss my baby" on us).

WHITNEY:
...doesn't really look that fat in her picture. Hmmm. Dare I say it? I think she is actually good. Not great, but good. I have a sneaking suspicion she will be most successful fatty in ANTM history. Ahaha, what am I saying? I act like that is a good thing.

LAUREN:
Something seems fake about Lauren. I'm not sure why...oh yeah, a real punk wouldn't audition for ANTM. Her shot is okay. But then again, you really can't fuck up 'homeless'.

AIMEE:
Snore.

FATIMA:
Do you not see Jessica Alba in this picture? I do. Am I cray-cray? You know Fats thought she was going to win this week. She is good, but she needs to check her ego at the door (the hell? Am I a High School Gym teacher now?)

MARVITA:
Her shot is great. i am rooting for her. I really honestly believe her story. But when she said she was homeless at 18, something tells me it was probably just for the weekend or something.

KATARZYNA:
Tyra said she looked a lot like Paulina (AKA: Not-Twiggy). Duh, all us Slavs look alike. We're like Asians - you can't tell us apart.

STACY-ANN:
Something about Stacy-Ann screams Chilis waitress. And, lucky for her, most Chilis will hold your job for you while you take a leave of absence. Girl has deff got some sass in this pic though.

DOMINIQUE:
Why was she so surprised when Paulina called her a tranny? Something tells me she's no stranger to this scenario: meet a guy at da' cluub, goes back to his place, he takes one look at the vag and goes "oh, I'm sorry. I was hoping you were pre-op".

ALLISON:
Why has no one made the Sarah Silverman connection yet? Just looks though. Sarah is sharp as a tack, and Allison is dumb as a pile of dog shit.
Jay: Do you have dance training?
Allison: I do pilates.
Whaaa? What a fucking retard. He asked if you dance, not if you do pointless stretches. Oh well, she looks like a wet bag of clothes anyways.

AMIS:
I know she thinks she is more quirky than a pile of Juno DVDs, but she tries so damn hard, it is killing me. Ugh, she is so painfully normal. I bet she watches Gossip Girl and owns Fergie's album. She looks like Jenah from cycle 9! My ho! Come back!

ULTIMATE LOSERS OF THE ULTIMATE LOSERS:
(YEAH THAT'S RIGHT THERE ARE TWO OF 'EM!)

KIMBERLY:
Don't let the door hit your fucked-up face on the way out!

ATALYA:
Grow up, bitch! How many times did I need to hear her be like "I'm justa kid! I miss my mama!!" Ugh, shit. Cut the strings already. You can tell she is gonna be one of those women who gets married and moves into the house next door to her mom. I loved though when they kicked her out and she was like "the hardest part will be going back to my family". Uh, what? Don't you live for Friday Night Scrabble with your family? Bleh, I can't even bother to make more jokes about her. Dunzo!

---

NEXT WEEK:
Allison says something rude to Fatima. Let me guess...something about Female Circumcision. Maybe she will ask if she can use tampons or something. WHY IS CYCLE 10 SO LAME?!?Aaaaannndd...MAKEOVERS (AKA: Tears n' Weaves.) I can’t wait to see what they do to Dominique; I’m betting on less hair and more estrogen shots.

---

ANTM: The new one. The NEW YORK one.

2008-03-20T22:27:00.017-04:00

New York. New Hos! I'm so excited! The black girls are runnin' rampant; and the white girls are dumber than ever! The in between girls are just lame - or manly. This is a feeling I haven't felt since Saleisha took the ANTM crown! Nausea! I'm just gonna break each one of these wannabes down:

---

AIMEE:

I think this is the one that was like "WANNA SEE MY PUBIC HAIR?!" Girl needs to lighten up on the FREAK juice and focus on the competition. Fuck, what am I saying. Bare it all, Aimee. No one cares.

(EDIT: Afterwards, I realized she was a mormon. Meaning she was obviously not the one to say that. It was then obviously Amis.)

ALLISON:
Oh, Allison. Don't ever dare say you're sleeping with Tyra's man - because that man is probably Jay Manuel. He just makes you think he likes beef; but he's strictly fish. Obviously. Allison kind of looks like Jaslene. You know, the bitch that sounded deaf but wasn't. Jaslene also looked like a man. Sorry, girl.

AMIS:
Her name is French for ''friends''. I bet she'll be the most hated of the girls. Just watch! Either that or she'll be a social butterfly. Whatever. She looks really bored, and I bet she'll be really showing that during the competition. Go home, chilwe.

ANYA:
I'm going to envision her as Anya from Buffy: the Vampire Slayer at all times. This is the Hawaiian girl who speaks with a really weird accent and it's hella annoying. She was like: "And tha foodt like, tastid sao goodt!" or something. Anyway; I've never heard a person from Hawaii sound like that. Also: Tyra was like "Do you got a surfers' accent?!" and she's like "Yeah, sure." Tyra. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. This is why you're a model. (Anya also looks like Jay Manuel came out and slapped her across the face for misbehaving.)

ATALYA:
Nope. Don't remember. Get outta ma face.

CLAIRE:
LEG WARMERS! YES! You can't see it, but half her head is shaved. Meh. Oh! She also said she's drinking her own breast milk!

DOMINIQUE:
This is the resident tranny of cycle 10. She looks like Katie Price (AKA: Jordan). And, that's not a good thing. At all.

FATIMA:
Fatima's my girl! A red headed black girl? My dream has come true! She's like a black Reba McEntire! Except, less turtle like. This is the girl who was circumsized back in Somalia. Scurry shit.

KATARZYNA:
The European "you mis pronounced my name" girl. Mind you, she is really pretty. She looks like she's trying a little too hard, though. Oh well. Besides, placing your hand on your head is so shitty.

KIMBERLY:
Ahem. This girl looks like Julia Styles, who I think is pretty. So, not bad. She's also as retarded as Tara Reid. So, that cancels out how pretty she is and then some. She'll be like, three weeks into this, (if she even gets that far) and be like "Woah, who are you again?". Tyra will have to bring out the whip.

LAUREN:
This is my favourite girl of them all. She's like cycle 10's Jael. Her walk is bad, but she's interesting to look at and is obviously different from all the girls. Besides, the one that says something like "I didn't know what America's Next Top Model was before today..." are the most fun to watch. It's like watching a dog walk on it's hind legs. But, seriously. Girl's gon' work it! Hopefully she isn't kicked off first like my faveourite from cycle 9. Oh, Mila. You giggly bitch.

MARVITA:
This is the girl who auditioned last time and failed. I thought it was because she looked like a man. She still does this time 'round and got through, so I guess that's not it.

STACY-ANN:
Girl's got sass! Givin' Jay Manuel a lap dance takes courage. I sure wouldn't. Bitch seems like she'll go far, but doesn't do nothin' for me.

WHITNEY:
The fatty of the year. That's twice now that the two plus size girls are named Whitney. It's a fat name! Maybe her last name is Swanson. Tyler, stop!

---

Well, that's all of 'em. Tyra was wise, and kicked out most of the fuck ups that would start those "ghetto" cat fights. So, I'm looking forward to this shit!

NEXT WEEK:
There's a runway show, and Tyra flips on one of the girls at panel! Oooh! I bet it's Lauren. All my favourites die first.

Brand New! Fresh! Skankin'!

2008-03-20T13:26:00.000-04:00

My livejournal was being killed with all of my ANTM posts; so this is the new home of my vicious critques, muhhfuckas! I am still currently an intern for The Mayor of the Skip-Raid, but like Nicole Scherzinger from PCD, I'm using my group and becoming a solo-bloggist! More of like a side project, if anything - but hey; why not! If Shania were here she'd say "Let's go, girls." so let's go girls - get yourself a babysitter because ANTM and TYLERFACE are in da house.